I see myself in Ethel Cain.

(Yes this is happening again, but this will be more of a personal post. Paratactic marked with italics.)

Throughout my time as a listener to Ethel Cain, I've grown increasingly more aware of similarities between my own actions and the character's actions.

I think I will mainly focus on her decisions in terms of relationships and her feelings towards these men she's dealt with (before, you know, she was killed by one) and how I share these kinds of decisions and mental space as her.

I do want to preface that I'm well aware this might be concerning, but I'm okay :) Her story is fictional, and she made decisions in lieu of awful things happening to her and the people around her. I'm (somewhat) sound of mind and am hyper aware of my surroundings. I've just noticed that the way the character thinks reminds me of myself.

I'm going to start with the song "Janie". It's a song about Ethel's best friend who ends up getting a boyfriend. Ethel sees this as the end of her and Janie's friendship, and the song is basically a plea to both Janie and her boyfriend to let her still be in her best friend's life. She was attached to Janie, and she started to drift due to her new boyfriend and started to spiral. I see myself in this. I've had friends that I've considered extremely close, and the moment they started to drift away due to any reason, I started to spiral. It felt like I was being left behind, and that I wasn't thought of in the same way I thought of them.

I remember thinking that no matter what the circumstance was, it was my fault. Friendships drifting away happens, and at times it's not due to a certain person. People are constantly changing, and needs must change. I had, and still have, a hard time comprehending that I was also changing. I thought something was wrong with me because I had lost so many friends who I thought were so close to me. I turned to other places like the internet or video games to try and find a semblance of friendship that could last.

With Ethel Cain, after drifting away from Janie, and feeling like she was left behind, she attached to Willoughby.

Like I talked about in my post about MUNA's song, Ethel seems to have a pattern with a favorite person. I know that I also have this pattern. She moves from one person to the next, Janie to Willoughby, then after Willoughby is gone, she attaches to Logan, then when he dies, she attaches to Isaiah, which ultimately led to her demise.

Logan is the man in "Western Nights" who she meets after running away from home. She falls in love with him, and he is not a good man. He's abusive and violent, but she loves him because at least he cares. I've had past relationships, both platonic and romantic that was relatively similar. I would let these people treat me in truly awful ways because at least I was being thought of. At least somebody cared enough about me to hurt me. At least I wasn't left behind.

I was blind to what they were doing to me, happily so. I just didn't want to be alone, so I sacrificed my sanity.

When she meets Isaiah in Texas, she's completely rewired at this point. From her point of view, he takes her to the west side of the country, completely in love. There's a poster that Hayden Anhedonia made, of a missing poster that had a picture of Ethel and a last known sighting, where she was seen being forced into the passenger side of a truck. (This was also a point of contention during her 'scandal' because it was almost word for word from a real life missing poster of a 9-year-old girl who was abducted and murdered, it was pretty distasteful thing.)

She was so messed up from her past that even a kidnapping was seen as a good thing to her because at least he cared enough. Even in her final thoughts(or songs), she never once says anything bad about Isaiah, despite being murdered and cannibalized by him, then being stored in a freezer.

I can't really see myself falling victim to this kind of this manipulation, but the way she was so quick to attach to the next person who showed her attention. I'm quick to do the same. Admittedly, I'm desperate for attention, so whenever I am given even a sliver of it, I cling onto it, and beg to not be left alone again.

I've been working through this on my own, almost purposefully distancing myself from my friends who I love, just so if we eventually drift apart, it won't hurt as bad this time. It's not healthy, and if anything, it will actually be my fault this time if it happens. I just don't won't to be hurt again.

I've also been staying away from any romantic interest. Something happened over the summer that burned me very badly, and I'm still reeling from that event. We started talking, and I was desperate to continue, I didn't care that he was a bad communicator, because at least he communicated. I didn't care that he wouldn't respond for days at a time because at least he would eventually. I didn't care that he canceled our date because at least we could plan another, or at least I thought we could. It wasn't long after that I didn't hear from him again. The words he spoke to me were sweet, and so full of promise.

I didn't care to look behind the curtain; I wanted to ignore it; the way he would ignore me and treat me like I was of no importance. I would always be the one to reach out first and I was happy. He was there. I was glad to have somebody.

I don't want to assume he meant to hurt me, and I hope I didn't hurt him. If I did, I'm sorry. I hope you're sorry too, but I don't know if I can forgive you.

I started to notice myself in Ethel Cain the more I listened to the music. Its possible that I'm just projecting my circumstances onto these lyrics and comparing myself to this character because of my attachment to this character and these albums. However, I don't believe that to be the case. Before I started listening to this music I thought this way, the music just helped me realize what I was doing, and how bad it could turn out if I didn't at least try to address it.

Ethel kept falling into the pattern of letting another guy lead her astray, and then once that fell through she'd find another, until she couldn't. I haven't really recognized a pattern of my own yet, but I do know that once I get hurt, I shut down. I shut down and push everybody away because I don't want to get hurt again. It doesn't matter who hurt me; it doesn't matter who can hurt me, I don't want to risk it.

I've shed enough tears for both myself and Ethel, and I know they aren't dried up yet. I hope that I can use my past, and the warning that is Ethel Cain to not get too hurt again, and hopefully not end up in the freezer of a man I loved.